Almost, but not now...

My entire life has been spent wondering, waiting, hoping there would be a time for it. That one moment I would realize what my purpose would be, and what I am meant to do.
I never expected what happened to ever happen.
You see, I only recently entered a relationship and though I was told so many times in my life to be careful, I still went ahead at her call.
I satisfied my selfish appetite with the fuel of desire so strong my very soul shook when thought of...
But then it happened.
There was an... accident and the barrier we put up was broken, opening its doors for a new life. We didn't know at first, she kept regular and didn't show any real signs til about three months she started to get sick often, and complained of her hands and feet swelling.
To be safe, we bought two pregnancy tests that both told us she was not. After that we relaxed a little, even finding some seasonal jobs, which in hindsight was a bad decision at the time.
They worked her to the ground, taking advantage of her "can-do" attitude and generous nature. She was asked to carry boxes as heavy as she was, and to multitask beyond the point of human. Her manager, in light of her hard work, berated her for slacking which only added more to her stress.
I didn't work the same job as her, and she didn't tell me what was happening till the jobs ended. I thought everything was fine, until she called from work.
She coughed out my name as she was sobbing from the restroom, wailing out of pain between her words. At first, she wasn't able to explain to me what was happening, then she said what I didn't know I feared:
Miscarriage.
I felt a cold wind take over, squeezing the breath from my body and forcing the blood to my feet. I told her to stay put and rushed to pick her up wanting nothing more than to be there with her.
When it was over. She relayed each terrible detail about the incident. The child was gone, lost to death leaving behind a grieving woman, and a boy who didn't realize the full extent of his pain.
The months afterward passed on til a full year was completed. In that time, she and I became a true aunt and uncle and grew attached to our small niece, making life more pleasant. But also during that time, hiding the shadows of my mind was the incident replaying over and over in my eyes.
And with that a single question: Would I have been a good father?
Not having one around in my life for the most part, I was unable to understand who made a good father and who didn't.
Did I have what it took to be a good father?
I don't know, but when I realized the full extent of the pain that night had caused me, I understood that I would have already known if I was or not.
I would have a bouncing, bubbly almost year old right now as I write this. Of course if there was a child, I wouldn't be writing this at all.
My family wouldn't be happy if they knew, nor would they have been happy to be introduced to my child.
But I wouldn't have cared what they thought about me having a child of my own. Ruined my life? I don't believe it would have, in fact, it would have made it better. I would have someone would would need and love me their entire life.
To me, that sounds like the only true happiness that we all could one day hopefully achieve.

-~-

The Thoughts of a Father

She was beautiful.

Once again I found myself staring out this window and wondering: How can I even think to let her out of her own? I once could hold her in my hands and could tap her feet till she giggled in my arms. Now, I can’t hold on with even one hand; she’s gotten too old for that.

She used to ask me about the birds and how the plants lived; how life was so pretty, but now she tells me about her friends and where she is going in her life.

It’s strange to think back on her as a child, all innocent and adorable. Now she has a fiancée and a brand new life she is starting without me.

It makes me proud, I did my job, my child is grown up, living in today, reflecting on the past, and dreaming for the future.

I’m sure her mother fells the same about our darling.

Gone are the days of homework helper, gone are the days of messy finger paintings, and so long to the days when I held her hand when she needed me after a bad dream.

Now I can only watch her mature through her voice and actions.

I’ll still be her father, I’ll still want to know what she is doing and offer her advice but I have no control anymore.

She can take care of herself now.

-~-